I just found this. It is fun to visit old journals. It is something I journaled in 2006.
The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom's voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. John 3:29
Jan. 16, 2006
Father I awoke with this thought this morning.... Runaway Bride.
How many times do I begin the walk down the aisle to the altar of commitment? I can hear the music playing, "Here comes the Bride, all lovely in white..." I see Your smiling eyes and I'm drawn to Your presence. Slowly, my left foot joins my right foot as my skirts swish with the measured pace. Here I come to make my commitment complete to become ONE with You! The closer I get to You my heart begins to grip with fear... this is too close... too personal... too real... too permanent. I can't make this commitment! What would You expect of me tomorrow if I say "yes" today? Are You going to expect more and more of me? Where will I be? Where will You begin and I end? Suddenly, with my heart pounding I look over my shoulder behind me and I see my past and all those who represent my past. Isn't that really where I belong, with them? They are who have formed me up to this point. They are safe. I know them. You... You're an unknown... my future. I really don't know You--know You! My pace begins to slow as I walk down the aisle. Your loving arms are outstretched and Your smile reaches across Your face. Once again I am drawn, I take another step closer.
But what if I can't honor my commitment? How can I know this is real? You don't even know where I have been and what I have done! If You did, would You still want me? Can I really make this next level of commitment? My pace slows down as my past grips my heart with fear because the thought of revealing all to You is more than I can bear! I turn to look at my past friends again. My mind runs through all the places I have been... dark places... places unseen in the light. You would not understand! You cannot even imagine what I have walked through in the night. I consider walking back down the aisle. My approach to the altar stalled. Voices through my head shout, "He does not love you." "He can't love you! Look where you have been." "He will get rid of you once He finds out where you have been and what you have done." "You can't do what He has called You to do!" "You don't know how!" "You are not able!" Shame fills my soul.
Commitment! What am I thinking? I can't commit to You! I turn slowly and begin walking back up the aisle. I glance over my shoulder to see Your eyes brim with tears Your arms still opened wide calling out, "COME!" "COME!" I can hear You whispering, "Join me at my banqueting table and feast on the delight I have set before You." I falter, longing for Your feast as Your arms enfold me with care. I can't! I can't walk away from the arms that give my soul rest! No longer a runaway Bride I turn and run to my Groom, "Here I am! Here I am! Can You ever forgive me? I need You so desperately! Take me and make me Yours! I am Your Bride and You are my Groom! Take me to Your table. Let me dine with You! I want to share Your cup and eat off Your plate! I want to dance in Your arms until the past is wiped clean! Swirl me across the dance floor in abandon with You! In Your arms all things are possible! I love You my Groom! I am Yours!
With each new commitment it is so easy to become a Runaway Bride. Why do I allow myself to think that You will ever change? Everlasting Father! You will never change! You are endless and safe and secure! COME! I join You this day and every day at Your banqueting table! I love You and I am truly am Yours! As my thoughts allow the adversary to discourage me, forgive me and cleanse me! Purify my heart O GOD! Who shall I fear? I am Yours!
Where are your fears? Where are you allowing them to rob you of the banqueting table and great dance with Your Groom! He is YOURS! He has His loving arms steadily open and ready to enfold you for the Great Dance! Walk down the aisle to the altar and complete the commitment you alone have been called to make!
Precious People, Your ministry is so important and valued! NEVER GIVE UP!
I love you and thank GOD for each of you.