Saggy Pants Epidemic

Leading scientists have just revealed that the power of gravity is increasing. They have concluded that this is the cause of the recent outbreak of the saggy pants epidemic. Every day, thousands of people who suffer from saggy pants walk around with their pants around their ankles. If you have been diagnosed with saggy pants, it is possible that you may also suffer from what scientists are now calling “swagger.” Swagger causes people with saggy pants to walk or behave in a very confident and typically arrogant manner. Citizens are frantic, trying to keep their pants around their waists—but not to fret!—recent studies have shown that there is, in fact, an antidote. One way to keep this epidemic from spreading further is an ancient concept invented by the Sumerians in the year 400 B.C. This rare antidote is known as B.E.L.T. (band ensuring the levitation of trousers). The number of belts in the United States is dwindling, so if you think you might have saggy pants, be sure to wear boxer shorts displaying Hello Kitty, Iron Man, or perhaps Winnie the Pooh underneath your possibly saggy pants to avoid public humiliation. There is an alternate cure for saggy pants, but scientists have not yet concluded if this is a safe way to rid citizens of the disease. Skinny jeans, sometimes referred to as denim skin, have been known to limit the movement of legs and occasionally cause paralysis. Side effects may include love handles and the occasional tingling of the limbs. It has become socially acceptable for women to wear skinny jeans, but men have been advised to avoid the adornment of skinny jeans at all costs. Wearing skinny jeans as a male may cause you to be mistaken as one of the three Jonas Brothers which may result in your being mobbed by large numbers of screaming thirteen year old girls. If you or a loved one suffers from saggy pants or swagger, talk to your doctor before switching to skinny jeans, as the sudden increase in tightness could be hazardous to your health. Go to www.pantsabovetheinfluence.com to see where you can find a band ensuring the levitation of trousers manufacturer near you or to see if you qualify for our three week risk-free trial. 3 month saggy-sober blogger NoLongerTrippin195 posted this testimonial on our website on December 19, 2011. “Just a few months ago I was in a terrible place, my life was moving so quickly in the wrong direction. I knew I had saggy pants but I didn’t want to admit it. I was afraid of being judged. My illness got in the way of my education and my family. I got kicked out of medical school because of my swagger and soon after my dad kicked me out of the house. I was walking the streets with my pants around my knees wondering how I got here. I was repulsive. People couldn’t look at me without shaking their heads. That’s when I saw him. There was a man on the street handing out pamphlets for this thing called Pants Above the Influence. I took one and started asking him questions. Right then and there the man took off his belt and gave it to me. I put it on as quickly as possible and from that moment on I was a new man. Now I’m back in school studying the dangers of saggy pants and swagger. One day I hope to inspire youth all over the world to wear their pants in the right place. Thank you for your service. Pants Above the Influence has made the world a better place.” Written by Mikayla Rye for Mrs. Smagacz' English 10, Period 5, 17 January 2012. A Satire. Saggy Pants Epidemic

NOT ME!

It was one of those weeks; I knew that the house would suffer neglect. So, I cleaned it up and told everyone, "The dishwasher is receiving. Please make sure the dishes go into it." By Thursday, I looked into the kitchen with dread. When I asked everyone who did put his or her dishes in the sink and not in the dishwasher, I heard a unanimous, "Not Me!" Okay, so that meant that at least forty something times "Not Me" visited our home. This began the typical Mommy drama of, "What is a leader..." A leader sees something that needs to be done and simply does it. A leader does not wait to be told and a leader owns the situation even when he or she had nothing to do with it. What would have happened if David said, "Not Me!" when he saw the vision for building God's temple? Or if his son Solomon said, "Not Me!" when given the opportunity to fulfill that vision. Nehemiah did not say, "Not Me! I am the cupbearer to the king," when he heard that the walls of Jerusalem were falling down, he risked speaking to the king about the situation and in return was blessed with permission and provision. What would happen in our homes, churches and communities if each person made a conscious choice to NOT say, "Not Me!" What if the reason you see the need is because it is to be you? What if you washed the dish and put it away? What if you served on that ministry team, went on that mission trip, taught that Sunday School, became a deacon, planted a church, or took that meal? What if you shared Jesus with your neighbor, colleague or checkout clerk and didn't leave it up to someone else? Maybe, we might have fewer dirty dishes and more saved souls. Both make for cleaner environments! Let's make it our New Year's resolution to get rid of the "Not Me's" in our vocabulary and take the time to pause and pray, "Is it me?" Then just do it for the glory of the LORD! Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for in the grave, where you are going, there is neither working nor planning nor knowledge nor wisdom. Ecclesiastes 9:10 Simply, Tara

Let the Miracle of Mercy Overflow

On Saturday, as I sat in the hallway during a pageant performance waiting to enter for a cue, I heard the line, "Let the Miracle of Mercy Overflow" in the It Never Grows Old with Tell Me The Story Medley. I thought that is it! That is exactly what we want to happen with this pageant LORD! We want the "Miracle of Mercy to Overflow!" The Father could have created Jesus on a mountain and just allowed Him to wander into the village at thirty years of age, but He did not. He knew something would be missing if He did. We would miss out on unveiling of the "Miracle of Mercy that Overflows!" See... if Jesus wasn't born as a baby, we would never have seen how He interacted with His mom and earthly dad. Remember, He grew in wisdom and in stature in favor with God and man. We would never have seen how He interacted with the disciples with love and compassion as He faithfully discipled them. It is amazing how, "Come and follow Me!" still resounds today! We never would have seen the authority with which He spoke the Word of God to the religious leaders even at twelve years of age. The fact that He withdrew to a solitary place to pray and that the crowds always knew where He was would have escaped us. Remember, how He looked out upon the crowds and saw how they were harassed and hassled and had compassion upon them. We would never have seen that Jesus wept at the widow's misfortune and then chose to meet her greatest need. Give her, her son back. Consider the time the leper fell face down before Him saying, "LORD, if you will." And how Jesus reached out touched him and said, "I will!" When so many demanded that he cry, "Unclean! Unclean!" Or what about the woman brought to him because she was caught in sin. They wanted to stone her. He simply knelt and said, "He who has no sin, cast the first stone!" None did! All walked away! Jesus stood silent before His accusers! They attacked Him, mocked Him, rejected Him, spat on Him, and He let them. Why? So that the "Miracle of Mercy would Overflow!" See mercy is love and compassion in action. It is about a GIVER that gives when the other does not deserve it. This is why Hope was born as a baby lying in a manger wrapped in swaddling clothes. He was born to let the "Miracle of Mercy Overflow!" so that hope could be born again and again! We have among us the grieving, dying, sick, broken-hearted, sinner, accuser... the list could go on! We are here to let the "Miracle of Mercy to Overflow!" Remember, mercy is love and compassion in action. It reveals the miraculous because a miracle is something that can only be explained by the hand of God. When we love one another, this is mercy overflowing! None of us deserve it! This is how GOD orchestrates the miraculous and allows the "Miracle of Mercy to Overflow" upon those in attendance and this is when Hope is born again! Blessed are the merciful for they shall receive mercy! Matthew 5:7

Simply, Tara

Caught Not Taught

I walked into the "man cave" to say good-bye to Greg and DongMin . As was Greg's custom, he air kissed me "mmmt, mmt" as a reminder that he wanted me to kiss him good-bye. To my total surprise, DongMin "mmmt, mmt'd" me as well. Immediately, I thought, "Does he want me to kiss him good-bye? Can I kiss my foreign exchange son as I do my own son? How sweet!" Then I bent over and kissed him on his beautiful coal black hair. Later in the day, I had to leave to pick Mikayla up from ballet and the guys were still in the "man cave" watching football. Once again, my beloved gave me his faithful hint... "mmmt, mmt." As I bent over to kiss Greg good-bye, DongMin "mmmt, mmt'd" me and looked with raised eyebrows expressing, "Will you not kiss me as you do Daddy and Grant?" I caught the message and tenderly kissed his cheek. His bright smile made my day. As I drove to pick up Mikayla, I started to practice my lesson for the Open Door Mission on Monday morning. We were storying Jesus' baptism as a part of a series I am writing on that focuses on the seven moments that Luke refers to that Jesus prayed. It suddenly occurred to me; nowhere in scripture does it say that Jesus told the disciples that they must make it their custom to go off to a solitary place to pray. Scripture simply tells us repeatedly that as was His custom Jesus withdrew to a solitary place to pray. Jesus does command the disciples to pray in secret, but the concept of prayer observed in Jesus' model so impacted the disciples that they asked Jesus to teach them how to pray and Paul later wrote to the Thessalonians' that they needed to pray without ceasing. The disciples caught the value of prayer. Jesus did not teach it as much as He lived it! Yes, I know He taught them upon their request how to pray, but what changed their lives was the way He modeled prayer. It is amazing how the disciples always knew where to find Him in His solitary place. Even the crowds knew where to go and look. The things that tend to stick in our lives are best caught more than taught. The lesson tends to happen without us ever knowing we just walked into a life transforming moment. I envision DongMin expecting his beautiful bride to give him a kiss each time she leaves the home just like my Greg does with me. A life habit caught not taught. Greg and I never intended to teach DongMin the value of a good greeting, but our habit taught him this life lesson. As we move into the Christmas season, I wonder how many life-transforming lessons he will catch from us. What will he learn about our love for the LORD? How we celebrate Him as our Savior in a materialistic world? What lessons will others catch from your life habits? What are some lessons or habits have you caught? Which ones are worthy of keeping and which ones should you let go of? Father, please help us to be mindful that others catch more from what they observe in our daily habits than we realize. I wonder does "mmmt, mmt" translate the same way in Korea as it does English. "Man cave" (a hole in our basement that is set apart for men to watch football and play guy games without women bothering them). I just realized that this is another life habit he is taking back to Korea from our home! Simply, Tara

Worldview on Marriage

As my father-in-law shared with me about how my mother-in-law suffers at the hand of Alzheimer's, an unexpected thought popped into my head. He just needs a girlfriend. Then I immediately thought... O my! Where in the world did that come from! That is not of God! How was it possible that "I" would have such a worldview come into my thoughts? My dear father-in-law did not know that I was dealing with a worldview battle in my head. I was so shocked by this thought that I did not tell my husband for several months until one day he shared with me a news release about highly publicized comment on Alzheimer that someone married to an Alzheimer's patient is free to divorce. It was then that I told Greg about my thoughts that day. I explained that I dealt with it immediately by confessing it and covering it with the truth of God's Word. This caused us to dialogue about the difference of a Biblical worldview and a secular worldview. The idea of worldview versus Biblical worldview is used a lot right now in Christian circles, but what I am discovering is that Christians struggle with worldview more than we realize. In this particular situation, I asked God, "Why did I have this thought? I would never suggest or condone this type of behavior." It was then that I realized, I still held a worldview in the recesses of my heart that was not Biblical. I am unapologetically a romantic at heart. I love romance. Romance makes my heart sing. Suffering just isn't romantic. Without realizing it, I developed a worldview of romance... Romance heals all wounds. Romance lifts the spirit. Romance will make it all right. Just fall in love... Ugh! Evidently, my favorite relaxing pastime of watching romantic movies has gotten the best of me! In order to counter my worldview about romance, I began to examine what I know about scripture and what God has to say about these particular thoughts. For example, Isaiah 53:5 says, "By His wounds we are healed." Not exactly the most romantic verse, yet Jesus' love stood strong against the mental, verbal, social, physical, and spiritual attack in order that our wounds in all of those areas may know the fullness of His love, which heals. Romance cannot heal all wounds. Though, the world portrays in movies and books that it does. I confess when Greg and I first fell in love I felt like I was in the clouds, but this type of feeling stops the minute suffering comes because it is emotion based. Emotions change as circumstances change. This month we will celebrate 20 years of marriage. In our 20 years of marriage, we have endured numerous health issues personally and with extended family, death of loved ones, the loss of everything due to floods, and the collapse of ENRON only to lose all of our retirement. It was not romance that lifted us up, it was our faith and trust in the Father that enabled us to get through dark seasons. Our marriage has endure and sustained by waiting on the LORD when most would walk away. Psalm 37:34 states, "Be waiting for the LORD, and keep His way; and you will be lifted up..." Enduring suffering is not easy. It most definitely isn't easy in the case of Alzheimer's. My father-in-law sits with my mother-in-law at every meal to make sure she eats, knowing that most of what he will say will be a monologue without any dialogue in return. When he said his marriage vows to my mother-in-law, he said, "Until death do us part!" Marriage in a Biblical worldview does not end because of difficult circumstances, health issues that are unforeseen, or because the romance has ended. Marriage from a Biblical worldview must make the choice to wait on the LORD and seek Him to be the One to heal all wounds!

The "Inconvenience" of Parenting

Every now and again I get this burning within my spirit, and I know I need to write down what God is teaching me. Today is one of those days. Over the last several months people have sought to give Chris and me some “advice” regarding parenting. The advice normally sounds like this: “Enjoy this stage because it all goes downhill from here.” “This is when they are sweet, and then they grow up to be a three-year old, a pre-teen, and a teenager.” “I remember when mine were this little and now they are a pain.” Most of the time this “advice” is given right in front of their children and my heart breaks. What this precious child hears is that they were once valued, but now they are an inconvenience. We live in a world where we despise being inconvenienced. We eat fast food; we drive fast cars; we talk on fast cell phones; and we live in the fast lane. We even DVR our TV shows to watch when it is more convenient for us. If something does not go our way, we throw a grown up temper tantrum by holding a grudge against someone, gossiping or seeking revenge. Over the last few months I think what I’ve seen more than anything is the “inconvenience” children cause in their parent’s lives, and once again, my heart breaks. Motherhood is a new role for me. Makaylan is 5 months old, and I’ve learned a lot about being “inconvenienced” in the last 5 months. For example, I used to get 6-8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but now I count it a blessing when I get 4 hours of sleep. I’ve also learned that just because your food is ready to eat does not mean that you will be eating it anytime soon. I laughed with a friend of mine the other day when she said, “I think my little girl hears the “ding” of the microwave and decides it’s time for HER to eat.” Any way you look at it, motherhood (parenthood) is inconvenient…and that is exactly how God designed it!! Did we really think our precious children would come into our lives and not change things? From the moment you hear those amazing words “You’re pregnant!” God begins to mold and shape you into the parent who resembles His fatherly love towards us. But this shaping can only happen as we give over our rights to ourselves and allow God the freedom to shape us. The problem I’ve noticed, in myself and others, is that, often times, we push against His molding. He wants to produce within us love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control (Gal. 5:22-23), and the tool He frequently uses to teach us these virtues is our children. But, when we see and treat our children as individuals who have interrupted our nice, cozy life, then we disrupt what God desires to do in us and in them. I am saddened when I see parents (especially professing Christian parents) handle their children with contempt. God has given us children in order to serve them, mold them, disciple them, and show them Christ’s love. The Bible speaks over and over again about the blessing of children (Ps. 127:3-4, Ps 128, Ps 139:13-19). God calls us His children, and He delights over us (John 1:12). I am SO thankful that God does not see me, His child, as an inconvenience. Instead, while I was still a sinner He sent His Son, Jesus, to die for me (Romans 5:8). When I have come to Him in need, I have never felt Him roll His eyes at me. He delights in my need of Him, and encourages me to come to Him…with anything and at ANY time. He does not demand that I wait until morning, or that I grow up first, or that I get a grip. He offers Himself, and delights as we come to Him. My prayer is that my little girl (and any future children we are blessed to raise) will always know and feel that her parents prayed for her and still find her valuable…even when she is three years old! Written by Amanda Walker, Cultivating Hearts Editor and Women's Ministry Advisor

Silas' Reflections on the Midnight Hour

After a period, the blows stopped. I don’t know which was worse, the anticipation of the blow or how I felt after it stopped. Slowly, my mind began to focus back in this world and I realized we were being taken to the prison. Every nerve in my body pulsed with pain. I kept shaking my head hoping to refocus my vision. I heard them talking around me, but my thoughts were not lucid yet and I could not tell you where they were. I remember coming to as my face hit the ground. Overwhelmed by the stench of human waste my thoughts cleared quite quickly as that scent reached the inner recesses of my brain. My body racked with heaving so intensely I did not know where the pain was worse. Finally, squinting through throbbing eyes I saw Paul on the ground next to me just starting to come to as well. Blood crusted dirt caked his body. Discerning where his wounds began was impossible. He was one raw mess. I then heard the jailer shout at the guard, “Take extra precautions with these two!” I remember thinking. What kind of precautions? I heard him coming before I saw him. The ground rumbled under his weight. He grabbed both of us simultaneously, lifted us by our arms and dragged us down a long descending corridor that went deeper and deeper into the recesses of the earth. He was a large man and he smelled of sweat and dirt. Firelights hung on the wall on the path he carried us. The shadows the light created made the place appear eerie and gloomy. Men in stocks lined the path moaning and reaching with their fingers hoping to grasp a hold of the life above. He threw us before the stockade— a large piece of wood the length of a man. The width ran the length of a foot and as thick as a man’s fist with two holes for the feet to be inserted. It split lengthwise down the middle so he could lock our feet in. He enclosed it around our ankles and then took leather straps and secured the enclosure. I expected him to whip us with the straps, so I braced for more blows only to hear his feet retreat. As he left, I realized he had not put our hands and necks in the stockade and this gave me some relief. I don’t know if my back could take the bending over with all the wounds still so fresh from the flogging. I looked over at Paul and he looked at me and we both fell into prayer. It was all we knew to do. Our voices lifted up to Heaven the cries of our hearts. We confessed the mighty miracles of the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY. As our voices carried, throughout the tavern within the earth every ear could hear our cry. Our cry was not of our agony or of our pain, but of the glory of the LORD and His strength. How His strong arm carries His children and avenges him against his enemy. How he brings salvation to those who need it. Slowly as we became one voice in the midnight hour our prayers turned into songs. We began to sing the hymns of our faith and our souls were soothed and our voices carried to the highest heights as we contemplated our GOD and King.” Not a body in the room moved. Excerpt from REDEEMED TO PRAISE p. 159-160.