Tuesday, January 31, 2012
A Chubby Little Cross
Monday, January 16, 2012
Saggy Pants Epidemic
Leading scientists have just revealed that the power of gravity is increasing. They have concluded that this is the cause of the recent outbreak of the saggy pants epidemic. Every day, thousands of people who suffer from saggy pants walk around with their pants around their ankles. If you have been diagnosed with saggy pants, it is possible that you may also suffer from what scientists are now calling “swagger.” Swagger causes people with saggy pants to walk or behave in a very confident and typically arrogant manner. Citizens are frantic, trying to keep their pants around their waists—but not to fret!—recent studies have shown that there is, in fact, an antidote. One way to keep this epidemic from spreading further is an ancient concept invented by the Sumerians in the year 400 B.C. This rare antidote is known as B.E.L.T. (band ensuring the levitation of trousers). The number of belts in the United States is dwindling, so if you think you might have saggy pants, be sure to wear boxer shorts displaying Hello Kitty, Iron Man, or perhaps Winnie the Pooh underneath your possibly saggy pants to avoid public humiliation.
There is an alternate cure for saggy pants, but scientists have not yet concluded if this is a safe way to rid citizens of the disease. Skinny jeans, sometimes referred to as denim skin, have been known to limit the movement of legs and occasionally cause paralysis. Side effects may include love handles and the occasional tingling of the limbs. It has become socially acceptable for women to wear skinny jeans, but men have been advised to avoid the adornment of skinny jeans at all costs. Wearing skinny jeans as a male may cause you to be mistaken as one of the three Jonas Brothers which may result in your being mobbed by large numbers of screaming thirteen year old girls.
If you or a loved one suffers from saggy pants or swagger, talk to your doctor before switching to skinny jeans, as the sudden increase in tightness could be hazardous to your health. Go to www.pantsabovetheinfluence.com to see where you can find a band ensuring the levitation of trousers manufacturer near you or to see if you qualify for our three week risk-free trial.
3 month saggy-sober blogger NoLongerTrippin195 posted this testimonial on our website on December 19, 2011.
“Just a few months ago I was in a terrible place, my life was moving so quickly in the wrong direction. I knew I had saggy pants but I didn’t want to admit it. I was afraid of being judged. My illness got in the way of my education and my family. I got kicked out of medical school because of my swagger and soon after my dad kicked me out of the house. I was walking the streets with my pants around my knees wondering how I got here. I was repulsive. People couldn’t look at me without shaking their heads. That’s when I saw him. There was a man on the street handing out pamphlets for this thing called Pants Above the Influence. I took one and started asking him questions. Right then and there the man took off his belt and gave it to me. I put it on as quickly as possible and from that moment on I was a new man. Now I’m back in school studying the dangers of saggy pants and swagger. One day I hope to inspire youth all over the world to wear their pants in the right place. Thank you for your service. Pants Above the Influence has made the world a better place.”
Written by Mikayla Rye for Mrs. Smagacz' English 10, Period 5, 17 January 2012. A Satire.
Saggy Pants Epidemic
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